FTV Instagram DOs and DON'T Even Think About Its
FROM THE VAULT
Right off the bat I wanna say - ignore me. I think most of these "rules" I came up with were based on my own insecurities about what to post and not post. Those insecurities are still there, but Instagram has changed. It's a young man - well, a young woman's game now. And I realized recently that a lot of my captions are sarcastic or like making fun of a trend but if people don't know me that well they probably think my captions are completely serious and that I am the most annoying person to ever post. I'm not sorry but I am aware.
Today I'm going to discuss one of my favorite things about the 21st century. Social media. Due to my parents' formidable resistance to buying me a decent phone, I joined the world of social media fairly late in life. I was in college when I got a Twitter account, practically ancient by modern social media standards. I like Twitter but I really like Instagram. Or as I like to call it, Twitter for the illiterate. Nothing can compare to the rush I feel when I see a flash of orange pop up at the bottom right of my Instagram feed. Yeah, notifications used to be at the bottom of your screen. It was a different world back then. It's like a badge of honor that says "I'm important! You like me! You really like me!" And you can make fun of me all you want, because I know you all think it too.
Below are some guidelines that I think everyone should follow but most people completely ignore. You can feel free to ignore me as well, I'm used to it. This still holds true.
Age
There's an interesting phenomenon occurring where as I get older, the kids who have Instagrams get younger. I'm afraid that next year I will see 8 year olds posting pictures of the thongs they just bought at Victoria's Secret. This has probably happened many times by now. Some would think it is inappropriate of me to suggest that, but I'm telling you, that's where we're headed.
And another thing. If I see a picture on my Instagram feed of a couple, I am going to do some stalking. I am going to use Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook, maybe a background search for good measure. I like to know who my camp counselor from 4th grade is seeing. Can she trust this man? (The answer is always no.) I reserve the right to social media stalk anyone and everyone. And I WILL exercise that right.
Selfies
Selfies are a tricky business. There are 2 different sets of rules for male and female selfies. Attractive males can take and post as many selfies as they want on 3 conditions. 1) said male is a genuinely nice person 2) said male is fully clothed at least 50% of the time and 3) said male is single.
Now for girls, all those rules go out the window. Girls will constantly accuse each other of posting too many selfies. I happen to think you can post as many selfies as you want, provided you do it the right way. If your entire Instagram is a compilation of pictures you have taken of your face, we have a problem. But a selfie every now and then to remind everyone how awesome you are can be a good thing.
Girls are complete hypocrites when it comes to selfies. If I see a girl I don't like who posts a lot of selfies I'm gonna be like, "dang, we get it, you think you're really pretty." At the same time, if I see a girl I don't like who doesn't post many selfies I'm gonna say something like "What are you trying to hide? Are you secretly ugly?" At the end of the day, if I am trying to stalk you, I want to see selfies!
The bottom line is, if you are a girl who can't remember all the rules about selfies, as long as you don't post a selfie with a completely irrelevant quote or song lyric, we're good.
Don't do mirror pics. Ever. There is literally no situation I can think of that will make a mirror pic okay. If you absolutely must take a photo of your outfit in the mirror, have the decency to crop your phone out of the picture you post. From what I've seen Gen Z is fine with mirror pics and they make the social media rules now, sadly.
Today I'm going to discuss one of my favorite things about the 21st century. Social media. Due to my parents' formidable resistance to buying me a decent phone, I joined the world of social media fairly late in life. I was in college when I got a Twitter account, practically ancient by modern social media standards. I like Twitter but I really like Instagram. Or as I like to call it, Twitter for the illiterate. Nothing can compare to the rush I feel when I see a flash of orange pop up at the bottom right of my Instagram feed. Yeah, notifications used to be at the bottom of your screen. It was a different world back then. It's like a badge of honor that says "I'm important! You like me! You really like me!" And you can make fun of me all you want, because I know you all think it too.
Below are some guidelines that I think everyone should follow but most people completely ignore. You can feel free to ignore me as well, I'm used to it. This still holds true.
Age
There's an interesting phenomenon occurring where as I get older, the kids who have Instagrams get younger. I'm afraid that next year I will see 8 year olds posting pictures of the thongs they just bought at Victoria's Secret. This has probably happened many times by now. Some would think it is inappropriate of me to suggest that, but I'm telling you, that's where we're headed.
I personally feel like if you cannot yet spell Instagram, maybe you shouldn't have one?
An update here is that it has become a thing for parents to run instagram accounts for their children. I think most of us find that really cringe, but I believe there is one acceptable way to do this. If you are making an instagram account for memory purposes and share the password with your kid when they're older, I think this is a good idea. The captions can all be cute things the kid said or did that day, or actual information so they can prove that no-you didn't take them to the state fair, this ferris wheel picture is from a county fair in the Walmart parking lot and was probably manufactured by Ikea. Just, as an example. Keep the account private and don't accept followers (I admit this kind of ruins the point of Instagram though).
Relationships
The proper way to handle a relationship on Instagram is directly correlated to your age. Who else has seen a 4th grader post a picture of a stuffed animal with something like "I have the best boyfriend ever!" Oh my goodness you are like 10 years old making this Instagram with your mother's iPad. You talk to your boyfriend like once a week at school. Just stop. I beg of you, wait until puberty at the very least. I stand by this.
Relationships
The proper way to handle a relationship on Instagram is directly correlated to your age. Who else has seen a 4th grader post a picture of a stuffed animal with something like "I have the best boyfriend ever!" Oh my goodness you are like 10 years old making this Instagram with your mother's iPad. You talk to your boyfriend like once a week at school. Just stop. I beg of you, wait until puberty at the very least. I stand by this.
And another thing. If I see a picture on my Instagram feed of a couple, I am going to do some stalking. I am going to use Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook, maybe a background search for good measure. I like to know who my camp counselor from 4th grade is seeing. Can she trust this man? (The answer is always no.) I reserve the right to social media stalk anyone and everyone. And I WILL exercise that right.
That being said, if you post several pictures with one guy who I know is not related to you, and then all of a sudden start posting multiple other pictures with another guy not in your family, I'm gonna be like "What? She has a new guy already? I didn't even know they broke up. Wow." and proceed to talk about it with others because I'm your (Instagram) friend and that's what I'm here for. I recognize this does not always lead to the best intel, people have thought I was in relationships with various gay men over the years based on how often they were featured in my feed. But what can ya do?
Something I still don't know how to handle is documenting 2 different relationships on social media. I feel like it's awkward to see a buff brunette with a butt chin a mere 3 rows up from the ginger you dated throughout high school. But it's also odd to see that someone has deleted an entire person from their life. Like y'all had a hamster together and everything. That's cold. So this one is dealer's choice. I do however recommend that you not post a new guy too soon. Timestamps are a...guy with a gym selfie as his profile pic.
Selfies
Selfies are a tricky business. There are 2 different sets of rules for male and female selfies. Attractive males can take and post as many selfies as they want on 3 conditions. 1) said male is a genuinely nice person 2) said male is fully clothed at least 50% of the time and 3) said male is single.
Now for girls, all those rules go out the window. Girls will constantly accuse each other of posting too many selfies. I happen to think you can post as many selfies as you want, provided you do it the right way. If your entire Instagram is a compilation of pictures you have taken of your face, we have a problem. But a selfie every now and then to remind everyone how awesome you are can be a good thing.
Girls are complete hypocrites when it comes to selfies. If I see a girl I don't like who posts a lot of selfies I'm gonna be like, "dang, we get it, you think you're really pretty." At the same time, if I see a girl I don't like who doesn't post many selfies I'm gonna say something like "What are you trying to hide? Are you secretly ugly?" At the end of the day, if I am trying to stalk you, I want to see selfies!
The bottom line is, if you are a girl who can't remember all the rules about selfies, as long as you don't post a selfie with a completely irrelevant quote or song lyric, we're good.
In a similar vein, it has become a thing to post a picture of you in a location where something tragic happened as a "show of support" that is actually a "showing everyone that I have been to this location." It is so transparent. And if you're fine with that...I'm still not but, that doesn't matter. You do you Bethany, you do you. (I think only my brothers will get that reference.)
Mirror Pics
A close cousin of selfies, mirror pics are when others can clearly see your phone in the picture because you are taking a photo of your reflection, which is kind of a lie. Your reflection looks nothing like you, it's pure science! That's like me posting a picture of my shadow with the caption "looking tall and skinny today." That's not real life. Liar. But in 2022, isn't everything on Instagram a lie?
Mirror Pics
A close cousin of selfies, mirror pics are when others can clearly see your phone in the picture because you are taking a photo of your reflection, which is kind of a lie. Your reflection looks nothing like you, it's pure science! That's like me posting a picture of my shadow with the caption "looking tall and skinny today." That's not real life. Liar. But in 2022, isn't everything on Instagram a lie?
Don't do mirror pics. Ever. There is literally no situation I can think of that will make a mirror pic okay. If you absolutely must take a photo of your outfit in the mirror, have the decency to crop your phone out of the picture you post. From what I've seen Gen Z is fine with mirror pics and they make the social media rules now, sadly.
I know for a fact I mentioned this at some point in my old blog but...WHY do some people tag themselves in their Instagram posts? For why?
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