FTV Makeup: Learn the Levels of Female Faces
FROM THE VAULT
Is this subject matter vapid and frivolous? Yes. Where was I going with that? IDK.
Contrary to popular male opinion, makeup is not black and white (or to be more realistic, nude and beige). My guy friends seem to think girls are either wearing makeup or not wearing makeup, but the reality is much more of a spectrum. Below I have outlined that spectrum and explained all the levels of female faces, from walking dead to Trixie Mattel. You should BE so lucky to paint like Trixie.
1. Just woke up from a long night lookin' like a 12 year old run over by a lawn mower makeup
The most severe face a female can have. After a long night and not a lot of sleep, we sometimes wake up looking like a frightened hairless chihuahua. We're sorry. I take that back, we are NOT sorry. But I do stand by the fact that I look my worst when I'm tired. I don't have a problem with how I look with no makeup. I DO take offense to how I look with no sleep.
2. Just woke up from a long night lookin' like Kim Kardashian run over by a lawn mower makeup
The difference between level 2 and level 1 is that in level 2, said female did not remove her makeup before going to bed. The result is bed head, matted mascara, smeared eyeshadow and streaky bronzer. Or basically Snooki. 2010 Snooki, not 2022 Snooki.
3. Is this the Snapchat filter? makeup
This is the first level at which a female will allow herself to be photographed or seen in public. Level 3 is those days when you just wake up pretty. You obviously don't look your best, but for some reason you think you look pretty darn okay. WARNING: this is probably just a good lighting illusion that getting out of bed or seeing another female will ruin.
4. Face makeup only makeup
Girls with bad skin will often (I would like to see my receipts here, why am I being so condescending?) wear only foundation and then talk about how they "don't need makeup". It's tres annoying and tres hypocritical. I stand by the use of conversational French.
5. Mascara only makeup
For the bold. I use this often to make myself think I'm made up and looking good but at some point in the day I realize I look basically the exact same as I do with no makeup on. With the added hassle of not being able to rub my eyes.
7. Just took my makeup off makeup
At this level, there is still a hint of eyeliner and your skin is glowing (this is due to the fact that all of your pores are smiling because they are happy they can breathe again). Your smile is beautiful because it just feels so good to take your makeup off (and to be home, where the pants aren't). The downside is that this look inspires thousands of "no makeup!" selfies.
8. Olsen twins/wearing every eye makeup known to womankind makeup
Also known as the "grunge" look. I don't recommend it. Girls often think the more eye makeup the better, but they end up looking like Taylor Momsen (in real life, not Gossip Girl). But if this is raccoon cosplay? Slay.
9. I'm 11 and just discovered glitter makeup
Think Ke$ha but with less restraint. This is the day to day look of many middle school cheerleaders. Glitter lip gloss, glitter eyeliner, glitter eyeshadow, glitter powder. It's like a snow globe convention on your face. Ew. So this has really changed. Most middle schoolers have much better makeup than me. I wasn't allowed to wear makeup until high school because my parents thought that being ugly "built character" or something dumb like that.
10. I hit puberty and want to distract from my zits with all this eyeshadow makeup
All girls are insecure I have heard rumors that women are allowed to like themselves now(???) but I think it's only like, a few at a time, so to hide bad skin, we often just use more eye makeup (beware of bad eyelash days). This look is so bad it's good. It's not too bad for the junior high years, it's almost expected. I guess since the advent of Instagram and TikTok, this is no longer a rite of passage? Or maybe it happens in like 2nd grade now? Must remember to ask a youth.
11. I'm in high school so I think I know what I'm doing makeup
Every year of high school I said to myself "Yes! You've finally found your signature look!" and every year of high school I was very, very wrong. Overall this is a fairly decent look, the one catch is that girls in high school almost always either look younger or older than they actually are. Think about it.
12. Everyday makeup
The makeup that any given girl wears every day that she needs to wear makeup. Often consists of at least face makeup and mascara. Overachievers shoot for eyeliner and eyeshadow. NOTE: this should be different from your special occasion makeup! You can't treat everyday like it's your wedding day! Again, social media has really changed this. But then filters and slowly chipping away at the patriarchy kind of leveled the playing field again?
13. I want to look pretty today makeup
For those days when you need a little extra something to make yourself feel better. I find that blush or a cute eyeshadow normally does the trick. Never underestimate the magic of filling in your eyebrows. I wrote this before eyebrow maintenance became mandatory. I was a visionary.
14. I'm seeing my crush today makeup
Very similar to level 13, but with more accurate precision and lip gloss that is constantly reapplied. You want your lips to look kissable and your eyelashes to look flirty. Once you take a cute pic of yourself winking, you know you're ready to face the day. Okay what was I smoking because no one in the history of ever has taken a cute picture of themselves winking.
15. I'm being photographed today makeup
There is a complex equation used to determine whether makeup is picture perfect or not. This is very similar to level 14 but with more intense precision. And you're going to want to test this out in at least 2 lightings, and a phone camera.
16. Super special occasion makeup
Used for proms, weddings, first dates, formals, any day you might see a celebrity, etc...This is a combination of level 15 and level 17. It's more make up than you would normally wear but not so much that it looks cakey. You look good in both pictures and real life. More time goes into this look...or a professional is called.
17. I keep going into rooms with different lighting so I keep putting on more makeup makeup
This typically occurs when a girl is ready for a night out but still waiting on her friends. She nervously shuffles from room to room, finding more makeup to wear. The end result can be summed up in 2 words. Marilyn Manson. Once you are ready, just step away from the blush and no one will get hurt. This is still a struggle. It helps to remove all body glitter from the premises.
Contrary to popular male opinion, makeup is not black and white (or to be more realistic, nude and beige). My guy friends seem to think girls are either wearing makeup or not wearing makeup, but the reality is much more of a spectrum. Below I have outlined that spectrum and explained all the levels of female faces, from walking dead to Trixie Mattel. You should BE so lucky to paint like Trixie.
1. Just woke up from a long night lookin' like a 12 year old run over by a lawn mower makeup
The most severe face a female can have. After a long night and not a lot of sleep, we sometimes wake up looking like a frightened hairless chihuahua. We're sorry. I take that back, we are NOT sorry. But I do stand by the fact that I look my worst when I'm tired. I don't have a problem with how I look with no makeup. I DO take offense to how I look with no sleep.
2. Just woke up from a long night lookin' like Kim Kardashian run over by a lawn mower makeup
The difference between level 2 and level 1 is that in level 2, said female did not remove her makeup before going to bed. The result is bed head, matted mascara, smeared eyeshadow and streaky bronzer. Or basically Snooki. 2010 Snooki, not 2022 Snooki.
3. Is this the Snapchat filter? makeup
This is the first level at which a female will allow herself to be photographed or seen in public. Level 3 is those days when you just wake up pretty. You obviously don't look your best, but for some reason you think you look pretty darn okay. WARNING: this is probably just a good lighting illusion that getting out of bed or seeing another female will ruin.
4. Face makeup only makeup
Girls with bad skin will often (I would like to see my receipts here, why am I being so condescending?) wear only foundation and then talk about how they "don't need makeup". It's tres annoying and tres hypocritical. I stand by the use of conversational French.
5. Mascara only makeup
For the bold. I use this often to make myself think I'm made up and looking good but at some point in the day I realize I look basically the exact same as I do with no makeup on. With the added hassle of not being able to rub my eyes.
6. No makeup makeup
If done to claim that you're not wearing makeup, this is giving very pick me/I'm not like other girls/I'm a guy's girl energy. But a lot of the time this is just us living our lives. The male species does not understand makeup (and a litany of other things). Find a girl who is wearing a non-sparkly eyeshadow, neutral or pink lip, no false lashes, fully shaped eyebrows, and a medium coverage foundation. Ask a guy friend if he thinks she's wearing makeup. You'd be surprised. This makeup involves subtly enhancing every single feature you can think of. When guys say they love when girls don't wear makeup, this is what they mean. And this is why we stopped asking for their opinion.
7. Just took my makeup off makeup
At this level, there is still a hint of eyeliner and your skin is glowing (this is due to the fact that all of your pores are smiling because they are happy they can breathe again). Your smile is beautiful because it just feels so good to take your makeup off (and to be home, where the pants aren't). The downside is that this look inspires thousands of "no makeup!" selfies.
8. Olsen twins/wearing every eye makeup known to womankind makeup
Also known as the "grunge" look. I don't recommend it. Girls often think the more eye makeup the better, but they end up looking like Taylor Momsen (in real life, not Gossip Girl). But if this is raccoon cosplay? Slay.
9. I'm 11 and just discovered glitter makeup
Think Ke$ha but with less restraint. This is the day to day look of many middle school cheerleaders. Glitter lip gloss, glitter eyeliner, glitter eyeshadow, glitter powder. It's like a snow globe convention on your face. Ew. So this has really changed. Most middle schoolers have much better makeup than me. I wasn't allowed to wear makeup until high school because my parents thought that being ugly "built character" or something dumb like that.
10. I hit puberty and want to distract from my zits with all this eyeshadow makeup
All girls are insecure I have heard rumors that women are allowed to like themselves now(???) but I think it's only like, a few at a time, so to hide bad skin, we often just use more eye makeup (beware of bad eyelash days). This look is so bad it's good. It's not too bad for the junior high years, it's almost expected. I guess since the advent of Instagram and TikTok, this is no longer a rite of passage? Or maybe it happens in like 2nd grade now? Must remember to ask a youth.
11. I'm in high school so I think I know what I'm doing makeup
Every year of high school I said to myself "Yes! You've finally found your signature look!" and every year of high school I was very, very wrong. Overall this is a fairly decent look, the one catch is that girls in high school almost always either look younger or older than they actually are. Think about it.
12. Everyday makeup
The makeup that any given girl wears every day that she needs to wear makeup. Often consists of at least face makeup and mascara. Overachievers shoot for eyeliner and eyeshadow. NOTE: this should be different from your special occasion makeup! You can't treat everyday like it's your wedding day! Again, social media has really changed this. But then filters and slowly chipping away at the patriarchy kind of leveled the playing field again?
13. I want to look pretty today makeup
For those days when you need a little extra something to make yourself feel better. I find that blush or a cute eyeshadow normally does the trick. Never underestimate the magic of filling in your eyebrows. I wrote this before eyebrow maintenance became mandatory. I was a visionary.
14. I'm seeing my crush today makeup
Very similar to level 13, but with more accurate precision and lip gloss that is constantly reapplied. You want your lips to look kissable and your eyelashes to look flirty. Once you take a cute pic of yourself winking, you know you're ready to face the day. Okay what was I smoking because no one in the history of ever has taken a cute picture of themselves winking.
15. I'm being photographed today makeup
There is a complex equation used to determine whether makeup is picture perfect or not. This is very similar to level 14 but with more intense precision. And you're going to want to test this out in at least 2 lightings, and a phone camera.
16. Super special occasion makeup
Used for proms, weddings, first dates, formals, any day you might see a celebrity, etc...This is a combination of level 15 and level 17. It's more make up than you would normally wear but not so much that it looks cakey. You look good in both pictures and real life. More time goes into this look...or a professional is called.
17. I keep going into rooms with different lighting so I keep putting on more makeup makeup
This typically occurs when a girl is ready for a night out but still waiting on her friends. She nervously shuffles from room to room, finding more makeup to wear. The end result can be summed up in 2 words. Marilyn Manson. Once you are ready, just step away from the blush and no one will get hurt. This is still a struggle. It helps to remove all body glitter from the premises.
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