FTV Girl Fights

FROM THE VAULT

Not gonna lie I'm still not sure if I punctuated the phrase "each others' girlfriends" correctly but it is what it is. Quite a few edits here but the core message is the same...don't fight girls.

In honor of Bad Girls Club: Atlanta, which I'm ashamed to say has kept me from my studies many a Tuesday night, this week we're talking about girl fights.

When boys fight, it typically consists of a few punches until someone gets in between them and the guys, secretly relieved, walk away and then either go right back to being friends or just dedicate the rest of their lives to hooking up with each others' girlfriends. But when girls fight, none of the international warfare rules reached in the Geneva Conventions apply. 

Girls will combine slapping, scratching, hair pulling, biting and kicking into some kind of twisted chick-jitsu that was designed to make the opponent look as physically repulsive as possible, thus eliminating her as a potential romantic rival. Boy fights last about two seconds whereas girl fights last pretty much until one or both parties are in the physical custody of the police. Or dead.

Girls can be evil. Sugar and spice and everything nice? More like sass and mace and kicking some...face. They normally reserve their cruelness for each other and tend to get a lot of it out of their system in middle school.

I've heard many a guy say he would never try to break up a physical fight between girls for fear of having his eyes unintentionally clawed out. Understandable. I wouldn't break up a fight between girls either, I would be a normal human being and watch with the other bystanders, occasionally holding someone's earrings for her cause when you're trying to beat someone up, the last thing you need in your way is a detached earlobe. Just take my word for it.

Now I know what you're thinking...how often do girl fights actually escalate to physical violence? And you're right, girls more often engage in psychological guerilla warfare, pretending to be friends with their enemies and enemies with their friends and cousins with their sister's friend's enemies and it's a whole big mafia thing. Girls will use public embarrassment, shameless lies, random shunnings, vicious rumors and relationship sabotage. And that's just for someone who stole your Instagram caption. (You know who you are.)

I haven't witnessed too many girl fights but I will say, 100% of the Miranda Lambert concerts I've attended culminated in throwdowns more explosive than gunpowder & lead. The scary thing these days is that unless you've got beef with some butter churner up in Amish Country, someone will definitely record the fight to post it online. And I WILL be sharing it with my associates if we know you. So think of this blog as Scared Straight, because I will also be blogging about it if someone I know gets in an epic fight. It's my journalistic duty.